I read that Autumn exists to remind us that things must end to begin again. Today, I turn 35 years old, which Twin never had the opportunity to. I thought death would come knocking in my life when I no longer had my own teeth, however, this was not the case. Grief has consumed my life and tainted everything. This year, grief has become very present and more tangible than ever. I have felt sorrow, but nothing like this. It is ever-present and ever-lasting. There is no escaping grief. It has been nearly 8 months since his passing and it does not get easier, because somehow, I live with it, without really knowing how. I still have not looked at old messages and photos, I am not strong enough yet. I have accepted the tragic death of my life-loving friend of nearly three decades, and his birthday in the early days of Summer hit me very hard. I was profoundly and overwhelmingly stricken with grief, as if he had died again. I expect the same to happen today, as I will officially be older than he was allowed to become.
My grief is all the unexpressed love I had left for him and reminds me that all our existenses are ephemeral. I have noticed that the people in my life who carry grief love stronger than anybody else, because they know what is at stake and that life is precious. Twin is very easy to love, because he emanated love effortlessly and abundantly without ever expecting it in return, and some times even at his own expense. He was the most wholesome, loving, vibrant and supportive friend in life, a life-partner in many ways, and I want to honor him in ways that I can. One of those ways is living life by occupying myself with things that motivate, challenge and grow me, as he did, and tell people who I admire and love what their presence in my life means to me. I suddenly have an urge to manifest activities (mental and physical) I have put off for years post Twin’s passing such as watching an opera. I watched Aida a couple of weeks ago, which depicts love, grief and loss, and of course I thought of Twin and started to cry in the theater. Twin will always be missing in whatever I do post his passing; when I cook one of his favorite meals of mine; when I travel to Berlin (which we often did together); when I snore, and he would give me side-eye; when I bought a(nother) designer bag and he would say “greedy girl” with funny judgement and afterwards, with eyes full of excitement, ask me to show him the item; and when I watched movies with him, and he would ask questions about the movie, even though he knew that I had not seen it before. He was always supportive, even when he knew I made mistakes in life; he let me learn my own lessons. He was always loving, even when I was not. I was fortunate enough to live in this life with him and hopefully in the next life as well, and as I blow the birthday candles out today, I am reminded to honor his life and grab every opportunity, just as he did. He was the best of us all.
Thank you for reading honnies ❤
MENA-CPH 